ByIANSlife Features

June 22, 2021 (IANSlife) True friendships are hallmarked by each member's desire to engage with the other – it's about mutual interest in one another's experiences and thoughts, as well as a sense of 'belongingness' and connection. Indeed, platonic friendships are extremely important to our general happiness and require reciprocity – of admiration, respect, trust, and emotional and instrumental support. Friendship is wonderful, and much ink has been spilled in citing the virtues of having good friends. But what if you never feel that support or compassion and you develop a sense of being disgruntled and dejected by your friends. A Toxic friends don’t have a vested interest in making you feel welcome or secure instead they have a tendency to fabricate webs of deception, endless gossip and drama out the wazoo: The classic signs of a toxic friendship may make for excellent TV, but they’re not as fun to watch unfold in real life. That’s especially the case for parents whose kids and teens are entangled in bad friendships.

Toxic children have an intense streak of narcissism. Many toxic children have narcissistic tendencies because they have been exposed to dysfunctional ways of behaving due to they are overly influenced or morphed into the version of their other friends or toxic parenting. These kinds of children could have bully-like tendencies but your child may be blind to it under the disguise of friendship. Your child becomes hysterically dedicated even if the toxic friend begins to say or do hurtful things.When the child regains the approval of the toxic friend, the child is happy again. This rollercoaster of temporary highs and devastating lows repeats and the child can’t seem to get off of the ride. Everything in the child’s life begins to pivot around pleasing and appeasing the toxic friend. As a parent Have you considered how toxic friendships could have a damaging effect on your child? It can have serious consequences on your child’s happiness and ability to socialise with other people and might be damaging your child’s emotional well-being.

Payal Sagar, Author and Life Purpose Coach shares 9 warning signs to watch out for -

• Jealousy, not so jolly: If you suddenly pick up on a child’s friend displaying jealousy towards your child’s possession and achievements and ignoring your child, be wary of such kids.
• Selfishness: If your child’s friend is entitled or selfish with not only their possessions but things that belong to your child, that is a high toxic alert!
• Isolation is a red flag: If your child isolates himself, feels pressured, distrustful and afraid of a friend, it is a high alert that your child is into a toxic friendship.
• Egocentric and manipulative: Such negative behaviour is typically viewed as the most unappealing personality trait in a toxic friend. They also expect that other childrens around them will automatically comply with their every wish and whim.
• Narcissistic personality: It involves a pattern of arrogant thinking and behavior, a lack of empathy and consideration for your child, and an excessive need for admiration. Grandiose sense of self-importance rather than caring for others. Grandiosity is the defining characteristic of narcissism. More than just arrogance or vanity, grandiosity is an unrealistic sense of superiority. Narcissist children believe they are unique or “special” and can only be understood by other special people.
• They are extremely opinionated: It is always about their opinions. They do not want to consider the opinions of your child; due to their self-absorption they are consumed by their own point of view, self-image, desires and preferences.
• They are always on the defensive: They do not see the world from another person’s eyes. They would rather see it from theirs and protect their flaws and image with everything they’ve got.
• They are imposing: They frequently use words like “should” or “must.” They want to dominate in any relationship because they see relationships as a tool for getting what they want and making themselves the center of attention.
• Name-calling and insulting: An easily identifiable trait of a toxic friend how they treat or speak to your child. Constant unprovoked criticism and using unkind words can create a big problem for your child as they often trigger your child’s low point.

How parents can come in the form of shielding

• Speaking straight: No beating around the bush instead sit with your child and directly address the issue. Speaking Straight requires an extraordinary amount of thoughtfulness and a deep commitment to bettering your child’s scenario based on toxic friendship. Speaking Straight is healthy communication. When we don’t speak straight to our children we leave room for resentment. Speaking straight will help your child develop the courage to leave a toxic friendship with candour. Speaking straight about the issue will perpetuate a high standard of dignity within a child and will help narture self-confidence and integrity.
• Teaching Self-Acceptance: Self-acceptance is the doorway to authentic power. And when acceptance is lacking within a child, it's one of the biggest stumbling blocks to their solid sense of self and serenity. When a child will learn to accept themselves, they will be able to embrace every part of themselves unconditionally. Practicing self-acceptance will help your child to realise their hidden qualities and will help ease their feelings of guilt and unhappiness. When they begin to accept who they are, they will start setting boundaries from toxic friendship. While practicing self-acceptance, they will uncover hidden gifts and talents that they didn't know about themselves.
• Teaching Self-esteem: Self-esteem is important because it heavily influences your child’s choices and decisions. In other words, self-esteem serves a motivational function by making it more or less likely that a child is capable of taking care of himself and exploring his full potential. When your child becomes aware of their self-esteem they start trusting their authentic self and then they are able to realise they don’t require anyone eles validation or approval.
• Don't be sentimental: Every friendship, no matter how toxic it is, has its good moments. Of course your child has memories of fun times, and laughter, but ask your child not to romanticize their past, as tempting as it might be. If they learn to leave the good times in the past, and take them for what they are then they can easily walk away from such toxic friendship. It is ok to explain to your child not to become sentimental about those who don't deserve it. Teach them to save the fond nostalgia for people who enrich their life, and work towards building memories with them rather than dwelling on meaningless ones.
• Make a conscious effort to make new friends: Ask your child to make a conscious effort to integrate communicating with new friends who are selfless. Tell your child friends who are the most happy and positive are the ones who are grounded, who care, and who do not always think about themselves.Friends who are trustworthy. Being trustworthy is a trait that is essential for understanding that the deepest relationships are the ones in which they can confide in each other. Trustworthy friends will help them remind them that they are not alone and will empower them to be a better person.

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